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“12 Stupid Things that Mess Up your Recovery” - Part 4 of 4
This book was written by Allen Berger, Ph.D and it was given to me just after I returned home from rehabilitation. Have a look at the last two blogs outlining the first six Stupid Things that Mess Up your Recovery. Here are the final Stupid Things to consider: Stupid Thing 10: Not Getting Help for Relationship Troubles Relationships with a partner are complex and simply require work. I should know, I was in two failed marriages in which I wore a mask of “Pleasing and not making waves with my husband.” After a number of years on my own, I was determined to approach another relationship with clear communication and honesty. However getting really forthright with a partner who has not gone through sobriety, or does not have the same problem of addiction as you and I do can be extremely challenging. Counselling during this new phase of your life can become critical. For my husband and I, he started with agreeing to take a course for spouses or parents of a person in recovery. This helped him understand addiction, to understand my making sobriety my number one priority, and how to best support me. On top of that, although drinking was not a problem for him, he removed all alcohol from our home in support of my journey. I had not expected this at all, nor was I going to ask for it, but it was an unselfish gesture on his part to support me and I am so very grateful. Today when I struggle with new way of life, I have several friends who are on their own journey, and we meet regularly to exchange ideas, vent, or to seek advise. I also have a wonderful counsellor who I call upon when times are tough. On top of that there is a saying that hold so much truth: “We save our worst behaviours for those we love and care about.” Stupid Thing 11: Believing That Life Should be Easy “Life is difficult. The sooner we are initiated into this reality, the sooner we learn how to deal with life on its terms rather than wast our time looking for the easy way.” - page 83 Many people give up on their healing (not just in terms of sobriety) because the changes ahead are too scary, seem impossible, will be hard to accomplish. So the solution for some is to “forget it”, “this isn’t worth it”, “this is too hard”, etc. Then we settle back to our old ways, but it doesn’t take long to see the old patterns return. So here is a quote from the book that wraps this together: “When we accept life for what it is, we will see tremendous benefits. We stop judging. Judgement is irrelevant because life is what it is. We don’t need to control or change our partner, our life, or our friends.” We accept them the way they are, or we make a choice for our own well being. We free up our energy to focus on what we want in life. As Iyanla Vanzant said: “One of the greatest challenges in creating a joyful. peaceful and abundant life is taking responsibility for what you do and how you do it. As long as you can blame someone else, point the finger at someone else, you are not taking responsibility for your life.” Stupid Thing 12: Using the Program to Handle Everything “Recognizing our need for additional help is an indication that we are working a good program” Wether you join A.A. or N.A. and work the steps with a sponsor, or follow the Buddhist Way, or simply commit to one day at a time, remember that Gabor Mate said: “There is no one fail-safe way out of addiction. Nothing works for everyone. We need to find the right path for ourselves. Twelve steps, five steps, no steps, eight steps: what is right is what works.” (for you) SO, consider reviewing this four part series and remember to be brutally honest with yourself and your heart.
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“12 Stupid Things that Mess Up your Recovery” - Part 3 of 4
This book was written by Allen Berger, Ph.D and it was given to me just after I returned home from rehabilitation. Have a look at the last two blogs outlining the first six Stupid Things that Mess Up your Recovery. Here are the next 3 Stupid Things to consider: Stupid Thing 7: Using the Program to Try to Become Perfect So here is a thought at the start of this chapter in the book. “Most of our life has been spent trying to be perfect…This is driven by a basic anxiety that we won’t be loved. Instead, we should be working on becoming more human.” Throughout our lives, we develop a “pride system” for ourselves. Priding our selves on a job well done, priding ourselves in the number of friends we have, the great work we do in the community, the perfect partner, parent, kid, etc. This is a LOT OF PRESSURE ! I know for myself, I turned to alcohol to bolster my ability to live up to the above standards I set for myself. When I couldn’t meet the expectations, I felt shame, not good enough, not worthy. Thinking that “simply” getting sober would change all of this was unrealistic. What I am continuing to accept is that I am doing the best I can every day, and that sometimes it works, and sometimes I need more effort. I am accepting that I AM HUMAN like you, and as a human, we all fall down sometimes, we all make mistakes or misjudgements. It is hard, but I am not pursuing being perfect, but rather accepting that my intention is in the right place, and I am doing my best, and not beating myself up for the imperfections! I accept that I will never be perfect. Stupid Thing 8: Confusing Self-Concern with Selfishness “Self concern is different from selfishness. It does not exclude others; it is inclusive. Part of our self is concerned with cooperating with and pleasing others. These desires are natural and healthy, when they are balanced with our personal integrity.” Page 61 of the book One of the hardest things I found to get used to in sobriety was to: First, learn to take care of me, and Second, make myself a priority in terms of that care. We all have a desire to please others, then they will like us, they will value us, they will want to “play” with us. This was taught to us wayyyyyy back when we told to share, even though we saw it as unfair, as it was our turn. We were rewarded for helping others, sharing with others, letting them go first….but many times at our own expense. My hardest lesson in the journey was to allow myself to take care of myself first. I was reminded of the flight speech….put on your own oxygen mask before helping others with theirs. Saying to my partner, I need to do my meditation first before joining our friends for coffee; I have a zoom meeting three days a week with fellow recovering addicts, but I can join you after that. I had to get to the place of saying : It is ok for me to look after my health (physical, emotional & spiritual) first, then I can be the best version of myself. Doing this has been a struggle for all 4 plus years of sobriety…some days I do it, other days I have to remind myself that it is ok to come first in my life. Stupid Thing 9: Playing Futile Self-Improvement Games Honesty with myself is the biggest key to my success. Hiding behind masks to “pretend” we are ok does not support us. Here are a few examples from the reading: Faithful Joe: Joe hides behind the mask of going to his place of worship every week and thinking that that absolves him of his mistreatment of others, or being dishonest in his actions at work. The part that counts is not what you do one day, but all the days. Perfect Mary: Mary’s mask is playing the game of being considerate and kind to her co-workers, then going home and being verbally or physically abusive to her family Pass the Buck Michael: Constantly making excuses for his poor behaviour, his racial slurs, and general unkindness to others….“I know I say mean things, but it isn’t my fault, it is my parent’s fault as that is how I was raised.” Take responsibility for your actions Michael. In each of these stories, the participants are pretending to have made dramatic changes in their lives, but are only kidding themselves. When re-visiting my sobriety plan every six months, I ask myself about these masks. Am I still wearing them, What am I pretending not to know? So watch here for the final Stupid Things that Mess up Your Recovery in 2 weeks “12 Stupid Things that Mess Up your Recovery” - Part 2 of 4
This book was written by Allen Berger, Ph.D and it was given to me just after I returned home from rehabilitation. Have a look at the last blog outlining the first three Stupid Things that Mess Up your Recovery. Here are the next 3 Stupid Things to consider: Stupid Thing 4: Being Selectively Honest This one really relates to the Stupid Thing 3. If you have had a habit of dishonestly with others, it would be very simple to slip back into this one. Think of your reaction if you were to slip, and your friend asked, “have you been drinking” (are you high?). Your first instinct to protect yourself may be to deny, and say, “of course not”, even getting defensive or angry that they would suggest such a thing. Because you would be feeling shame for the relapse, our instinct may be to lie, or walk away. The only way I can recover, and continue on that healthy pathway is to be brutally honest, and that brutal honesty STARTS with being honest with ME. We will continue to be sick as long as we are secretive. Part of my reason for writing “Climbing the Stairs” was to jump start myself into being more transparent and vulnerable when it came to my addiction. Every time I go to a book signing, I am talking to people about MY JOURNEY to joy, and making it very clear that it was me that I have written about, that I am the alcoholic, that my journey continues. “The lies that we tell to ourselves are the most self-destructive.” pg 42 of the book. We, self included are not perfect. As much as we may aspire to do things perfectly, we all make mistakes, some tiny, some large, and some massive. The hardest part of publishing my book was showing my vulnerability to others, and I encourage you to aim to do the same. (being vulnerable, not necessarily writing a book!) Stupid Thing 5: Feeling Special and Unique Guess what? You are not the first to decide to straighten out our lives including our addictions. You have a few things that work for you in maintaining in sobriety, but others also have some amazing ideas, and we need to “surrender” that those that came before us, had some thoughts on how to best approach recovery. Therefore I am doing some things that are working right now, but know that those things may evolve over time, may change completely over time. Therefore I am always reading, or listening to other’s approaches that I may or may not incorporate into my new six month plan. I hear Hope when I listen to a friend who is approaching their recovery differently than mine. I hear Hope when a friend relapses, and talks to me about recovery from that relapse, and is going at it again. If you hear yourself patting yourself on the back for a good 4.5 years, implying “you did it”, stop and be honest with yourself. Being complacent will not help and is a very slippery slope. Saying to self that you are “all better now” is not reality. Stupid Thing 6: Not Making Amends Life is Hard. You/I have faced many difficult situations in life, and will continue to do so. You will never find all the answers, but you can keep looking, learning, and hearing clues. Eckhart Tolle says, “Life isn’t as serious as the mind makes it out to be.” He goes on to suggest that we get wrapped up in pieces of life that are just not that important…the traffic that made you late, the co-worker that was mad and threw something, holding onto an inappropriate remark made to you last month, and it still makes you mad….. Making amends to me is taking responsibility for MY actions, behaviours, words. Ultimately the goal is to restore relationships I strained due to my drinking. Some will accept the amend, others would rather hold onto it, so that they can continue to complain. BUT for me, Cheryl, a proud recovering alcoholic I know I have made mistakes, I know I have hurt people and I am working at repairing the damage. Remember though that not everyone will accept your amend, your apology. I have lost a number of “friends” through this process. Are they not accepting the new me; are they uncomfortable as they are still partaking in the poison of choice to excess; are they afraid they will say something wrong; are they thinking I would judge them…. I certainly am not judging…..I am still in the journey and always will be. I will be there if there ever comes a time when they need help or a shoulder to lean on. SO, tune in to the next issue of The Journal for “Stupid Things # 7, 8 & 9. “12 Stupid Things that Mess Up your Recovery” - Part 1 of 4
This book was written by Allen Berger, Ph.D and it was given to me just after I returned home from rehabilitation. If you have read my book, you are aware that every six months I review my action plan to maintain my sobriety. Many items remain the same, some items get dropped, and yet others I step up my game plan. I do this as I know how easily we loose sight of our goals, or take some actions for granted. I am determined to keep my sobriety sacred. So here is a list of the “Stupid Things” for your consideration. You may not fully agree with the author’s list, but knowledge is power. People I know in recovery that are doing the best so far in this nearly 5 year journey of our’s are those that are completely and brutally honest with themselves, and constantly learning about themselves and the human condition in general. So over the course of the next couple of Journal’s I will outline the 12 “Stupid Things”, a few at a time…. Stupid Thing 1: Believing Addiction to One Substance is the Only Problem “Our best chance for recovery lies in total abstinence from ALL mind-altering drugs.” Alcoholics may think they are fooling themselves when they admit they can no longer drink but CAN have an occasional drink for a special occasion. Or, no longer drink but can socially smoke marijuana. I remember someone at rehab saying in a group session that they were grateful to get clean from the hard drugs (Cocaine as I recall), and would focus more on the “less” harmful (ie weed or alcohol) when times get tough. The truth however is total abstinence from mind altering substances. When times were tough in my life, I turned to alcohol. But if now when times are tough I turned to weed as an example, I would no longer be maintaining my sobriety…it is another “substance” that takes me away from the real issue that needs to be sorted. It is different for everyone, but meditation, daily exercise, talking about the issues with a friend or my counsellor, journaling are a few of my coping mechanism’s in this new life. Stupid Thing 2: Believing Sobriety Will Fix Everything Certainly when I got home from my treatment, I felt good about my sobriety. But I had to remember that my coping mechanism’s had to change completely from the numbing I was doing….Problem at work ? Go home and have a few drinks; Problem with a family member? Ignore it and them…it’s their problem, not mine, so let’s have a few more, etc. The first step was to directly treat the symptom of the problem (in this case, over drinking). The second step is repair the damage done…better eating, calmer emotions, basically taking care of our physical, mental and spiritual health. The third step is treating the underlying reasons and learning to have healthier relationships with those around us. This may also include learning to set healthier boundaries for ourselves. During my nearly 5 years of sobriety, I have continued to research and learn from readings, listening to podcasts, regular sessions with a counsellor, talking to others with similar pathways or recovery, course work, etc. Stupid Thing 3: Pursuing Recovery with Less Energy Than Pursuing Addiction When I first started this journey, I was complaining to myself about having time to read a self help book, or listen to a podcast on recovery, etc. One day, I thought, “who am I kidding?” I ALWAYS found the time in my day to go to the liquor store, I ALWAYS found the time to isolate from my phone and not answer email, phone calls, etc. And now, I don’t have enough energy to take 15 minutes to journal?; I don’t have the time to dial into a meeting, or a call with a fellow person in recovery?; I don’t have time to read one chapter of a recovery book?……. Get real Cheryl, make the time for things that are important. My sobriety is number one to me, so that I can be in this world at my best. SO, tune in to the next issue of The Journal for “Stupid Things # 4, 5, & 6. One of most impactful books I read during my research for my book, Climbing the Stairs, was "The Magic of Surrender - Finding the Courage to Let Go" by Kute Blackson. I thought I would re-print the introduction on the cover of the book that may encourage you to find a copy of this excellent read and reference guide in letting go"
"Too often we hold on to what isn't working in our lives because we fear the unknown. There is another way - we can trust that the universe has our back and discover more purpose and meaning. After the passing of Kute Blackson's mother in 2017, he discovered the powerful lesson his mother had been modelling her whole life: Surrender isn't giving up. It's strong and courageous. In this inspiring book, Blackson traces how surrender was a key factor in the lives of great people throughout history and shows readers how they can move past self-imposed barriers in their lives to discover the freedom and possibility on the other side of surrender." REVIEW: "At a time when so many of us are struggling to find solutions to personal and global problems, Kute Blackson teaches us how to solve those problems - without struggling....His advice rings with authenticity, wisdom, and truth. The Magic of Surrender is a brilliant guide and companion that takes us not only past our difficulties but straight into a benevolent mystery. Read it as a treat for your soul." - Martha Beck, Author Also see: kuteblackson.com and another book of his, "You.Are.The.One."  A little while back I was on Salt Spring Island, (British Colunbia, Canada) and had a fascinating conversation with a vendor who was selling a card deck on Conscious Conversations to help connect with other people.
I have done this a number of times with friends, so I thought I would list a few of the conversation starters for this week's Journal. I have also used these as "Journal Prompts" for myself in my daily journal. For those who have read my book, Climbing the Stairs, you know that capturing my thoughts, feelings, fears and joy's are a daily routine for me, and in fact I wrote a whole chapter on journaling! Here are a few prompts to consider: 1. In what ways could you give and receive more? 2. What is the worst thing that has ever happened to you that has turned out to be the best? 3. If you found out you were going to die in 2 weeks, what would you do? 4. What is the most valuable lesson you learnt from your mom? 5. Why are you here and what is your life's purpose? 6. If your life had a theme song, what would it be? 7. What do you wish to accomplish during this next year of your life? 8. How do you wish to be remembered after you die? 9. What do you most often choose to ignore? 10. What drains you and what fuels you? Every time I hear of a friend, aquaintance, a relative passing on, I am reminded of just how short life can be, and the importance of living every moment of everyday to the fullest.
Consider this thought by Lauren Oliver: "Maybe you can afford to wait. Maybe for you there's a tomorrow. Maybe for you there's one thousand tomorrows, or three thousand, or ten, so much time you can bathe in it, roll around it, let it slide like coins through your fingers. So much time you can waste it. But for some of us there's only today. And the truth is, you never really know." I recently found out that a young woman I went to rehabilitation with passed away at the start of December. She had been sober just 1 day more than myself, and we became friends. Throughout the past 4.5 years we would chat over email, text, or Instagram. She didn't relapse, but she was taken suddenly in an accident at the age of 44 years. RIP Amy. On Christmas Day, another friend in her 60's died. Vibrant, living every day mindfully, full of joy and energy. We visited a year ago walking through her amazing garden and the pride came through loud and clear of a happy life which included a couple of years of her retirement. Disease hit, and within 2 months she was gone. RIP Lorna. Also in December, one of my counsellors at rehab passed after a very long journey with the Big C. She is at peace now, I just know it. I also heard that she wanted to live until her 30 year sobriety day, and she indeed did just before she passed. RIP Jo. On January 2, I spoke with my friend, Margaret on the anniversary of her dear husband's passing. Although the grief is slowing a bit, it never really goes away. However there seem to be more and more positive memories of him as time goes on. RIP John. Finally, January 10 was the anniversary of my Mom's passing in 2020. It was her passing that got me motivated to start considering taking better care of myself, and by July I was in rehab. Hardly a day passes that I don't think of Mom. But at this point the memories are the good ones. Baking for the holiday season, I was reminded of particular recipes that were Mom's.... RIP Mom. Time does heal. As the days, months and years go on, it is less about mourning for me, and more about being grateful that those that are gone were in my life, and influences who I am today. REST IN PEACE.. You all had a place in my heart and my soul.  When new challenges, adventures or opportunities come into our lives, we may feel apprehension or feeling scared. Really we are probably excited. For example, I am currently about to go on a major trip. It is a new country for me, new sights to see and in some ways I am anxious about what "may" happen, but really I am excited to experience new things. Another example, you are starting a new job....excited for the opportunity, yet apprehensive about how it will all pan out...new job, new commute, new people.
When faced with this, I know for myself, I need to look inward and talk to myself about the meaning of the butterflies in my tummy, the nervous heartbeat, and the negative self talk that may try and take over. These could be signs of being afraid, but could be interupted as excitement, curiosity, passion and joy. Clarify the feelings you are feeling and move forward. I have often admired those around me that seem to always be brave, and without fear, but as time goes on and I continue to have inspiring conversations with people around me, I realize that they too have anxious moments, they too at times are afraid. It is part of our human condition. So instead of backing off, or backing out of that new experience, realize that the butterflies show up in both joy & excitement, and also in fear & anxiety. When I feel the fear, I remind myself that it may be excitement, and challenge myself to "do it anyway". What I have learned over the past couple of years is that framing the situation differently in my mind helps me to overcome the fear. Saying out loud that I am excited about the new challenge, the new adventure, the new country, the new job helps me to shift my focus. The feelings of being scared and excited often elicit the same physical response in our bodies. Don't allow yourself to be paralyzed with the fear. "Let go of worries and be completely clear hearted like the face of a mirror that contains no images. If you want a clea mirror behold yourself and see the shameless truth which the mirror reflects." - Jalal al-Din Mohammad Rumi Reading this after my Kundalini practice, what I heard was that I am who I am - flaws and all. It does absolutely no good to keep holding on to my past mistakes. As a matter of fact it takes my energy away from new adventures, and new things to do, to see, to learn, to experience.  |
Cheryl's JournalCheryl A. Pasieka is an addiction recovery advocate and the author of Climbing the Stairs: My Journey from Addiction to Pure Joy. Archives
January 2025
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