|
Did I ever think I would get here…July 20…2020 to today ? An Excerpt from the first pages of my Journal….on July 20/20 “Slept until 10 a.m. and leaving for the airport at 11:30….I am anxious, nervous, ok, maybe scared to death, and on the verge of tears. Roger is very quiet on the drive, but very supportive. I was surprised that when we said our goodbyes at the airport, he was tearful and held me tight.” " It is 11:30 p.m. as I add to my journal, and I haven’t slept a wink…I am afraid, I am crying, what if I can’t do this…” My Excerpt today, August 26, 2025… “Such a glorious day, full of joy. I am home alone this week as Roger visits his family in Nova Scotia. I am so grateful for our lives together and celebrate 1850 days with ZERO alcohol. I was determined to make this work, but wasn’t naive to the fact it would be without struggles…. there were, but no relapses. I am no longer afraid of life, I no longer find myself in self pity about the past, I am no longer depressed, I keep close to the positive side of life, and move away from the negative….however should any of these circumstances come about, I will open my toolbox which is full and get myself through…..thank you Universe!”
0 Comments
“How might your life have been different if, late one afternoon, near the end of summer, was you thought of the opening of school…and of trying, again, to learn to use your mind in traditional ways…something wondrous had happened? If the women who were your teachers had invited their young women students…even the littlest girls… to come to sit in a circle…and, of course, you went, too. If you had sensed the excitement in the voices of the teachers as they spoke of a different way to use your fine, young minds. And you could feel the wonder of women sitting in a circle, under the open sky, just outside the school…gathered to share their wisdom with the younger women in their care. How might you life be different?” The above reading is from the Circle of Stones Series, I Sit Listening To The Wind - by Judith Duerk…one of my go-to books when I am being reflective about my life as it is today, and how I wish it to be as I move forward in my years in life…how ever long that may be…we don’t know. As I read this today, I was reflecting on my week, and was re-living my special evening with a group of ladies, out in the country side, listening to the wind, hosted by a new friend, Christine. We sat in our circle, listening to the wind and discussed our lives in relation to the book I published a year ago. The conversation was robust…fascinating…as many of the stories were heard for the first time, even though the friendships around the table were long term for many. What an inspiration to sit with women of like minds and discuss the messy parts…the joyful parts…the connections… As I sit here, listening to the mild breeze, I feel such joy and closeness to these women that I was blessed to cross paths with this week. Thank you to Christine, Sandra, Beverly, Shirley, Joanne, Jude, Mercida, Olivia, Lynn! The years of our life do not arrive all at once; they greet us day by day. Each time the sun sets, we are able to rest our bodies and minds and let the world take care of itself for a bit. Rest assured, the dawn will bring with it a new opportunity for us to meet our lives anew, seeing fresh perspectives and dream inspired hopes. As the hours move on throughout the day, it is our choice of how we wish to live, learn, laugh and grow. Our lives are filled with more joy and compassion when we experience our day making this positive choice - one day at a time.
Picture your future ahead of you and try to notice any stress or anxiousness of the days and years to come. Perhaps things are changing in you life right now....your health, your loved ones health, your job, your quiting an addiction, your endless list of things to do. If you are able to shift your energy to today only, and not focus on what may or may not happen in the future, you will notice a new calm. You may discover an inner faith that the future will take care of itself. For me, when I do this, I am much calmer, and joyful. I know in my head that I can not predict the future, and I endeavour to not focus on something that may or may not happen. It does take practice, but it is working for me at this stage of my time on earth. When I visited a friend yesterday who is struggling with family illness, impending death of a loved one, I chose to focus on how I could help. Comforting her, allowing her to cry, listening, and sorting out some items that were bogging her down. She was grateful for the help, and I was grateful for being able to make a small difference in those moments. The way we show up for our lives today, right now, has a profound effect on who we are today, and what we will experience as time goes on. If we can remain fully engaged in the day at hand, enjoying all it has to offer and put our energy into making the most of it, we will find we are perfectly ready and capable to handle what the future will hand us when it comes. This is one of my greatest lessons of my last 5 years of my journey. The path from head to heart is a difficult journey.
But you need to quiet your mind long enough to listen to your heart. You, and you alone are the only one who can decide which path to follow.  We may honour traits from our parents, and at the same time reject others and become our own person. I recently came across an article about traits we inherit from our parents that I thought was interesting. We may honour some traits from our parents, while rejecting others and becoming our own person. It peeked my interest, as someone said to me recently that their addiction came from a parent, and therefore it was their fate. Personally I believe that yes, we may look like a parent, we may have the same sensitivities they display, and perhaps we even have a few of the same behaviours. However, this does not mean we will automatically follow the same pathway in life. It is totally possible to honour some of those traits, but also to reject others. Unconsciously we may follow their mannerisms or habits, but through conscious self-examination, we may identify traits that we can work past if we choose to. We can certainly honour and emulate those aspects of our parents that we admire without becoming carbon copies. For example, I try to honour respecting other people’s differences as I was taught by my parents. I also try and give back as I constantly saw my Mom do. You can learn from the decisions that they made and choose not in indulge in the same vices. We are free to follow our own pathways. Our parents influence will continue to shape our lives - wether or not you follow in their footsteps. It is my hope that my children will see the actions I took to become free of smoking (8 years ago) and alcohol (5 years ago), and apply those examples to their own lives. I hope that I have demonstrated setting a goal, and following through for my own more joyful life. As you forge your path, bear in mind that YOU CAN DO IT !  I came across this list of powerful thoughts and truths of life recently, and wanted to share it. I realized how much this applied to me throughout my journey and thought I would share:
I have just returned from 9 weeks away from home...for the most part out of the country exploring new lands for me in the South Pacific. I experienced many new adventures and lessons along the way. Lessons are easy to find when you truly listen and experience different cultures than yourself.
Today I am going to reflect on some amazing re-connections throughout my journey. As you may recall from my book, I set goals for myself every six months. Goals for my continued sobriety, goals for growing and developing myself. One of those goals set in January/25 was to A. deepen the connections I already have and B. make new connections with people that carry the same vibe I do. It continues to amaze me that when you put a goal out there to the universe, create conscious focus around it, and pay attention, how those goals come to fruition. I flew to the first port of call, Auckland, New Zealand with my friend "J." She works for the airline, and had a layover for a couple of days. We first met at an on-line support group after Rehab. We have been meeting over Zoom for about 4 years, and we support each other through our journeys, sharing our joy as well as our struggles. As we live in different provinces, we rarely see each other in person, so getting to spend several days in person, in a new country for me was amazing. Getting to know "J." better, was a bonus to the trip that I had not expected and I realized afterward how this fit into my recent goal. My 2nd connection was made while in Auckland, when in the lobby of the hotel I am staying in, enjoying my morning latte, my ears suddenly perk up when I hear a familiar voice. Who is that I ask myself, at this point relying on my hearing only. I wander over, and say "S." is that you? Sure enough "S" and worked together well over 20 years ago, and we had lost contact for most of those years. We share a genuine embrace at our chance meeting and continued to chat a number of times during our respective hotel stays. I had lost touch with so many people, and it was fun to catch up on those we were aware of and talk about their journey's. It was unsettling to learn the fate of the person who let me go after 26 years at the firm we both worked for, but it did cross my mind that Karma is alive and well. I am pinching myself, thinking, what are the chances of reconnecting with this person thousands of kilometers away on a different continent? My 3rd connection was made in Auckland. We re-connected with "A.", a dear friend of my daughters years ago. We hadn't seen each other since she moved from Canada back to her home a few years back. It was wonderful to hear about her journey back home and see her so happy and full of joy. We left with an amazing photography book that she and her partner gave us, and many memories from years gone by. My 4th connection was made on the cruise ship about 2 weeks in. On a number of occasions I saw a man that I felt looked familiar, but couldn't place. Finally one day he sits near me on the Observation Deck of the ship and asks my name...I hear his name, "P." , but the memory is still not clear, but as we chat about where we live, used to live, where we worked, etc. the light bulb goes on for both of us. We met probably 15 years ago as we had both attended couple of retreats of an organization called Inside Out Leadership, which later we both volunteered with. Over the course of the rest of the cruise we chat a number of times, and have dinner with "P." and his wife "K." So wonderful to re-connect to this part of my journey....You get what you focus on as my friend Pat would say! As I had set the intention for myself to focus on connections with others, building my "tribe" of trusted people, it felt like a miracle, that I had, in the space of a couple of weeks, had already deepened a relationship, and reconnected to a couple of more people that were important to me. Stay tuned to my next Journal...I will be talking about lessons learned from a facinating book I read, The Well Lived Life by Dr. Gladys McGarey, a 103 year old woman who has lived a remarkable journey. “12 Stupid Things that Mess Up your Recovery” - Part 4 of 4
This book was written by Allen Berger, Ph.D and it was given to me just after I returned home from rehabilitation. Have a look at the last two blogs outlining the first six Stupid Things that Mess Up your Recovery. Here are the final Stupid Things to consider: Stupid Thing 10: Not Getting Help for Relationship Troubles Relationships with a partner are complex and simply require work. I should know, I was in two failed marriages in which I wore a mask of “Pleasing and not making waves with my husband.” After a number of years on my own, I was determined to approach another relationship with clear communication and honesty. However getting really forthright with a partner who has not gone through sobriety, or does not have the same problem of addiction as you and I do can be extremely challenging. Counselling during this new phase of your life can become critical. For my husband and I, he started with agreeing to take a course for spouses or parents of a person in recovery. This helped him understand addiction, to understand my making sobriety my number one priority, and how to best support me. On top of that, although drinking was not a problem for him, he removed all alcohol from our home in support of my journey. I had not expected this at all, nor was I going to ask for it, but it was an unselfish gesture on his part to support me and I am so very grateful. Today when I struggle with new way of life, I have several friends who are on their own journey, and we meet regularly to exchange ideas, vent, or to seek advise. I also have a wonderful counsellor who I call upon when times are tough. On top of that there is a saying that hold so much truth: “We save our worst behaviours for those we love and care about.” Stupid Thing 11: Believing That Life Should be Easy “Life is difficult. The sooner we are initiated into this reality, the sooner we learn how to deal with life on its terms rather than wast our time looking for the easy way.” - page 83 Many people give up on their healing (not just in terms of sobriety) because the changes ahead are too scary, seem impossible, will be hard to accomplish. So the solution for some is to “forget it”, “this isn’t worth it”, “this is too hard”, etc. Then we settle back to our old ways, but it doesn’t take long to see the old patterns return. So here is a quote from the book that wraps this together: “When we accept life for what it is, we will see tremendous benefits. We stop judging. Judgement is irrelevant because life is what it is. We don’t need to control or change our partner, our life, or our friends.” We accept them the way they are, or we make a choice for our own well being. We free up our energy to focus on what we want in life. As Iyanla Vanzant said: “One of the greatest challenges in creating a joyful. peaceful and abundant life is taking responsibility for what you do and how you do it. As long as you can blame someone else, point the finger at someone else, you are not taking responsibility for your life.” Stupid Thing 12: Using the Program to Handle Everything “Recognizing our need for additional help is an indication that we are working a good program” Wether you join A.A. or N.A. and work the steps with a sponsor, or follow the Buddhist Way, or simply commit to one day at a time, remember that Gabor Mate said: “There is no one fail-safe way out of addiction. Nothing works for everyone. We need to find the right path for ourselves. Twelve steps, five steps, no steps, eight steps: what is right is what works.” (for you) SO, consider reviewing this four part series and remember to be brutally honest with yourself and your heart. “12 Stupid Things that Mess Up your Recovery” - Part 3 of 4
This book was written by Allen Berger, Ph.D and it was given to me just after I returned home from rehabilitation. Have a look at the last two blogs outlining the first six Stupid Things that Mess Up your Recovery. Here are the next 3 Stupid Things to consider: Stupid Thing 7: Using the Program to Try to Become Perfect So here is a thought at the start of this chapter in the book. “Most of our life has been spent trying to be perfect…This is driven by a basic anxiety that we won’t be loved. Instead, we should be working on becoming more human.” Throughout our lives, we develop a “pride system” for ourselves. Priding our selves on a job well done, priding ourselves in the number of friends we have, the great work we do in the community, the perfect partner, parent, kid, etc. This is a LOT OF PRESSURE ! I know for myself, I turned to alcohol to bolster my ability to live up to the above standards I set for myself. When I couldn’t meet the expectations, I felt shame, not good enough, not worthy. Thinking that “simply” getting sober would change all of this was unrealistic. What I am continuing to accept is that I am doing the best I can every day, and that sometimes it works, and sometimes I need more effort. I am accepting that I AM HUMAN like you, and as a human, we all fall down sometimes, we all make mistakes or misjudgements. It is hard, but I am not pursuing being perfect, but rather accepting that my intention is in the right place, and I am doing my best, and not beating myself up for the imperfections! I accept that I will never be perfect. Stupid Thing 8: Confusing Self-Concern with Selfishness “Self concern is different from selfishness. It does not exclude others; it is inclusive. Part of our self is concerned with cooperating with and pleasing others. These desires are natural and healthy, when they are balanced with our personal integrity.” Page 61 of the book One of the hardest things I found to get used to in sobriety was to: First, learn to take care of me, and Second, make myself a priority in terms of that care. We all have a desire to please others, then they will like us, they will value us, they will want to “play” with us. This was taught to us wayyyyyy back when we told to share, even though we saw it as unfair, as it was our turn. We were rewarded for helping others, sharing with others, letting them go first….but many times at our own expense. My hardest lesson in the journey was to allow myself to take care of myself first. I was reminded of the flight speech….put on your own oxygen mask before helping others with theirs. Saying to my partner, I need to do my meditation first before joining our friends for coffee; I have a zoom meeting three days a week with fellow recovering addicts, but I can join you after that. I had to get to the place of saying : It is ok for me to look after my health (physical, emotional & spiritual) first, then I can be the best version of myself. Doing this has been a struggle for all 4 plus years of sobriety…some days I do it, other days I have to remind myself that it is ok to come first in my life. Stupid Thing 9: Playing Futile Self-Improvement Games Honesty with myself is the biggest key to my success. Hiding behind masks to “pretend” we are ok does not support us. Here are a few examples from the reading: Faithful Joe: Joe hides behind the mask of going to his place of worship every week and thinking that that absolves him of his mistreatment of others, or being dishonest in his actions at work. The part that counts is not what you do one day, but all the days. Perfect Mary: Mary’s mask is playing the game of being considerate and kind to her co-workers, then going home and being verbally or physically abusive to her family Pass the Buck Michael: Constantly making excuses for his poor behaviour, his racial slurs, and general unkindness to others….“I know I say mean things, but it isn’t my fault, it is my parent’s fault as that is how I was raised.” Take responsibility for your actions Michael. In each of these stories, the participants are pretending to have made dramatic changes in their lives, but are only kidding themselves. When re-visiting my sobriety plan every six months, I ask myself about these masks. Am I still wearing them, What am I pretending not to know? So watch here for the final Stupid Things that Mess up Your Recovery in 2 weeks “12 Stupid Things that Mess Up your Recovery” - Part 2 of 4
This book was written by Allen Berger, Ph.D and it was given to me just after I returned home from rehabilitation. Have a look at the last blog outlining the first three Stupid Things that Mess Up your Recovery. Here are the next 3 Stupid Things to consider: Stupid Thing 4: Being Selectively Honest This one really relates to the Stupid Thing 3. If you have had a habit of dishonestly with others, it would be very simple to slip back into this one. Think of your reaction if you were to slip, and your friend asked, “have you been drinking” (are you high?). Your first instinct to protect yourself may be to deny, and say, “of course not”, even getting defensive or angry that they would suggest such a thing. Because you would be feeling shame for the relapse, our instinct may be to lie, or walk away. The only way I can recover, and continue on that healthy pathway is to be brutally honest, and that brutal honesty STARTS with being honest with ME. We will continue to be sick as long as we are secretive. Part of my reason for writing “Climbing the Stairs” was to jump start myself into being more transparent and vulnerable when it came to my addiction. Every time I go to a book signing, I am talking to people about MY JOURNEY to joy, and making it very clear that it was me that I have written about, that I am the alcoholic, that my journey continues. “The lies that we tell to ourselves are the most self-destructive.” pg 42 of the book. We, self included are not perfect. As much as we may aspire to do things perfectly, we all make mistakes, some tiny, some large, and some massive. The hardest part of publishing my book was showing my vulnerability to others, and I encourage you to aim to do the same. (being vulnerable, not necessarily writing a book!) Stupid Thing 5: Feeling Special and Unique Guess what? You are not the first to decide to straighten out our lives including our addictions. You have a few things that work for you in maintaining in sobriety, but others also have some amazing ideas, and we need to “surrender” that those that came before us, had some thoughts on how to best approach recovery. Therefore I am doing some things that are working right now, but know that those things may evolve over time, may change completely over time. Therefore I am always reading, or listening to other’s approaches that I may or may not incorporate into my new six month plan. I hear Hope when I listen to a friend who is approaching their recovery differently than mine. I hear Hope when a friend relapses, and talks to me about recovery from that relapse, and is going at it again. If you hear yourself patting yourself on the back for a good 4.5 years, implying “you did it”, stop and be honest with yourself. Being complacent will not help and is a very slippery slope. Saying to self that you are “all better now” is not reality. Stupid Thing 6: Not Making Amends Life is Hard. You/I have faced many difficult situations in life, and will continue to do so. You will never find all the answers, but you can keep looking, learning, and hearing clues. Eckhart Tolle says, “Life isn’t as serious as the mind makes it out to be.” He goes on to suggest that we get wrapped up in pieces of life that are just not that important…the traffic that made you late, the co-worker that was mad and threw something, holding onto an inappropriate remark made to you last month, and it still makes you mad….. Making amends to me is taking responsibility for MY actions, behaviours, words. Ultimately the goal is to restore relationships I strained due to my drinking. Some will accept the amend, others would rather hold onto it, so that they can continue to complain. BUT for me, Cheryl, a proud recovering alcoholic I know I have made mistakes, I know I have hurt people and I am working at repairing the damage. Remember though that not everyone will accept your amend, your apology. I have lost a number of “friends” through this process. Are they not accepting the new me; are they uncomfortable as they are still partaking in the poison of choice to excess; are they afraid they will say something wrong; are they thinking I would judge them…. I certainly am not judging…..I am still in the journey and always will be. I will be there if there ever comes a time when they need help or a shoulder to lean on. SO, tune in to the next issue of The Journal for “Stupid Things # 7, 8 & 9. |
Cheryl's JournalCheryl A. Pasieka is an addiction recovery advocate and the author of Climbing the Stairs: My Journey from Addiction to Pure Joy. Archives
January 2025
|
RSS Feed
