12 Stupid Things that Mess up Your Recovery - Part 3 of 4

“12 Stupid Things that Mess Up your Recovery” - Part 3 of 4
This book was written by Allen Berger, Ph.D and it was given to me just after I returned home from rehabilitation.  Have a look at the last two blogs outlining the first six Stupid Things that Mess Up your Recovery.
Here are the next 3 Stupid Things to consider:
Stupid Thing 7: Using the Program to Try to Become Perfect
So here is a thought at the start of this chapter in the book.  “Most of our life has been spent trying to be perfect…This is driven by a basic anxiety that we won’t be loved.  Instead, we should be working on becoming more human.”
Throughout our lives, we develop a “pride system” for ourselves.  Priding our selves on a job well done, priding ourselves in the number of friends we have, the great work we do in the community, the perfect partner, parent, kid, etc.  This is a LOT OF PRESSURE !  
I know for myself, I turned to alcohol to bolster my ability to live up to the above standards I set for myself.  When I couldn’t meet the expectations, I felt shame, not good enough, not worthy.
Thinking that “simply” getting sober would change all of this was unrealistic.  What I am continuing to accept is that I am doing the best I can every day, and that sometimes it works, and sometimes I need more effort.  I am accepting that I AM HUMAN like you, and as a human, we all fall down sometimes, we all make mistakes or misjudgements.
It is hard, but I am not pursuing being perfect, but rather accepting that my intention is in the right place, and I am doing my best, and not beating myself up for the imperfections!  I accept that I will never be perfect.
Stupid Thing 8: Confusing Self-Concern with Selfishness
“Self concern is different from selfishness.  It does not exclude others; it is inclusive.  Part of our self is concerned with cooperating with and pleasing others.  These desires are natural and healthy, when they are balanced with our personal integrity.” Page 61 of the book
One of the hardest things I found to get used to in sobriety was to: 
First, learn to take care of me, and Second, make myself a priority in terms of that care.  We all have a desire to please others, then they will like us, they will value us, they will want to “play” with us.  This was taught to us wayyyyyy back when we told to share, even though we saw it as unfair, as it was our turn.  We were rewarded for helping others, sharing with others, letting them go first….but many times at our own expense. 
My hardest lesson in the journey was to allow myself to take care of myself first.  I was reminded of the flight speech….put on your own oxygen mask before helping others with theirs.
Saying to my partner, I need to do my meditation first before joining our friends for coffee; I have a zoom meeting three days a week with fellow recovering addicts, but I can join you after that.  I had to get to the place of  saying : It is ok for me to look after my health (physical, emotional & spiritual) first, then I can be the best version of myself.
Doing this has been a struggle for all 4 plus years of sobriety…some days I do it, other days I have to remind myself that it is ok to come first in my life.
Stupid Thing 9: Playing Futile Self-Improvement Games
Honesty with myself is the biggest key to my success.  Hiding behind masks to “pretend” we are ok does not support us.  
Here are a few examples from the reading:  
Faithful Joe:  Joe hides behind the mask of going to his place of worship every week and thinking that that absolves him of his mistreatment of others, or being dishonest in his actions at work.  The part that counts is not what you do one day, but all the days.
Perfect Mary: Mary’s mask is playing the game of being considerate and kind to her co-workers, then going home and being verbally or physically abusive to her family
Pass the Buck Michael: Constantly making excuses for his poor behaviour, his racial slurs, and general unkindness to others….“I know I say mean things, but it isn’t my fault, it is my parent’s fault as that is how I was raised.”  Take responsibility for your actions Michael.
In each of these stories, the participants are pretending to have made dramatic changes in their lives, but are only kidding themselves.  When re-visiting my sobriety plan every six months, I ask myself about these masks.  Am I still wearing them, What am I pretending not to know?
So watch here for the final Stupid Things that Mess up Your Recovery in 2 weeks